365 DAYS OF GRATITUDE – DAY 19: Memory Banks Part 2 – The Thunderbolt

RUCSANDRA's PICTURE

About 16 years ago, I was on a streetcar, going to teach my Pilates classes at a studio in Toronto. I was sitting down, deep in my thoughts. After a couple of stops, I became aware of my surroundings and looked out the window. And that is when a powerful moment of truth and awareness descended upon me.  What I saw out the window was the great catalyst for the transformation that started right then and there and that will continue until the day I am ready to leave my physical body. What I saw when I looked out the window was the most spectacular fall day: leaves of green and yellow, gold, red and burgundy, all dancing together in a calm breeze under the bluest of skies. There was a shimmer of divine beauty in the air and I gasped. The fall didn’t just start that day; for the leaves to have all their fall colors, it must have been going on for a while.

How come I did not notice? It is my favorite season after all, and that year I almost missed it. Why? Where was I? Did I miss last fall too? I tried to remember the previous year’s fall and could not. This defining moment led me to ask a deep question: “AM I MISSING MY LIFE? If I have no idea that it was fall already and I can’t remember last year’s fall either, what have I been doing?

I realized that I was being devoured by my own unhappiness, un-fulfillment, thoughts, emotions and fears. I was not living my life. I was being lived by how I felt inside. It was such a powerful moment of awareness and truth that I made a promise to myself to not waste any more time:

“I do not know how or why I am in a place inside myself that causes me miss my favorite season. What I know is that from now on I am committed to LIVE my life fully. I do not care what I have to look at, see inside myself and others or bring out from deep inside myself. I will face my fears and memories, one by one until there will be none left. I will face my hurts and my emotions. I will live fully as myself. I will create the life of my dreams! I will not miss fall again.” 

I felt like a thunderbolt had just ripped through illusion and allowed me to find a voice to ask for a great life. That moment on the streetcar on St. Clair Street in Toronto was a moment of choice, amplified by the intensity of my feelings and the power of my intention. As a result of this experience, my life started to change. It did not change overnight, all challenges and fears did not miraculously disappear, and I did not feel instantly powerful and clear, creative and free. But what I felt was a deep seated courage to listen to myself, to look inside my being and heal the wounds of the past; to face the coming changes with courage and patience and with more understanding for myself.

 

 

365 DAYS OF GRATITUDE – DAY 18: Memory Banks Part 1 – The Rainbow

RUCSANDRA's PICTURE

One summer afternoon when I was about 4 or 5 years old and deep into my mid-day nap, my father lifted me up from the bed and carried me into the back yard, still half asleep, so that he could show me a rainbow. My FIRST rainbow. I thought is was made by a fairy or a wizard, or that my father turned into a magician; it was so wonderful and mesmerizing. I love the memory of my father and me as a little girl perched on his arm, looking at the rainbow together.

This is a light, happy, sweet memory. There are many more pleasant, uplifting events and things, places and people in my memory banks. I am sure that you have many of them as well. But how about the rest of the memories, you might ask. The ones that are not so nice to remember, the ones that create pain and sorrow, shame or grief. You have some of those too. All of us do. I had such memories as well, but I transformed them in neutral, uncharged events. I am not defined by them anymore. I have evolved past most of them and if something comes up from my memoty banks I work with it until it is deflated and neutralized.

Today I am grateful for that day, about 16 years ago, when I decided to free myself from past events and memories. I will share more about this tomorrow.

Our memory banks are important, because they define our lives, unless we take charge and heal our wounds; unless we change how we perceive them, feel them and think about them.

Here’s a concept that I teach in all my coaching programs, the very same concept that ingnited in me the desire to transform my memory banks:

“EMOTIONAL CLEANLINESS is the capacity to see, hear and feel events, circumstances and other people’s words and actions, and to respond to all these stimuli from a vantage point of inner power, unhindered, unconditioned and unlimited by the layers of past and present un-released emotional debris.” (this is my own definition)

How would your life be if you were emotionally cleansed?